Part One:
One year ago today we spent the weekend in Dallas watching the Yankees and the Rangers play ball. This was our first trip as a family of “three.” We had just learned that we were expecting Jackson! We had the best weekend! It seems strange that that was over a year ago. This September 11th we are spending with our second son as he grows and develops in the hospital.
Ryan had fairly uneventful night. He has tolerated his feedings and the doctor is increasing them to 1ml of breast milk at each feeding time! They will be starting the IV steroids for his lungs today. They have great hope that these steroids will help mature his lungs and decrease his time spent on the ventilator. He has only made 6mls of urine since midnight so they are watching that very closely.
You know it is never a good sign when you’re met at the door because they are doing a chest x-ray, in the middle of the day, and you have to wait to see your son. The only time they get extra x-rays is when there is something concerning. While waiting in the waiting room we see both the Doctor and the Nurse come to talk with us. Talk about trying to give a momma a heart attack! Ryan has greatly decreased his urine output today. He is being restarted on his second diuretic and increasing the frequency of the first. His lungs are very stiff and the added fluid is making it harder for him to breathe effectively. They’ve had to increase both his rate and his oxygen level this afternoon. We are waiting on time to redraw blood gasses. If the medication hasn’t improved his blood gasses then the doctor is going to speak with us about changing him to a new vent type.
I feel so helpless. I wish there were anything I could do for him! We just visited him in his room and spoke to him for a few minutes. It breaks my heart when he hears us and starts reaching for his hand to be held. Normally we can console him but when his breathing isn’t good then we can’t touch him because it over stimulates him and makes his breathing worse. He stretched his little arm out as far as I’ve seen it stretch today and with that little bit of movement his oxygen saturation dipped down significantly. I HATE leaving him but there is nothing I can do. If I stay in the room he continues to fidget and over stimulate himself thus making his breathing worse. The only option we have is to step back out of the room because until he cannot hear us or smell us he will wiggle and reach for us.
Days like today are hard. I cannot fathom the loss of a second child. I try so hard to remind myself that the last time we added the extra diuretic it helped greatly. I’m trying to remind myself that the last time he started his feeds that it took 24hours for his kidneys to tire out before slowing and stopping. We have made some progress because it took three days for both of those things to occur. It just scares the mess out of me thinking that there still may be a possibility that I could lose him also. Those thoughts are almost overwhelming at times. I know God won’t put anything on us that he cannot bring us through. I know he will see us through this time. I know everything works and plays out in the perfect sequence that they should. I’m just trying hard to keep that in the forefront of my mind but I cannot lie at times the thoughts of possible loss and what will we do are consuming.
Please continue to pray for our little man. We love him so much and can feel each and every prayer! We are truly blessed!
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