Our Little Rangers

For some reason the past few days my mind has been wandering. We all wear many hats. Most hats are those that can be seen with ease. The hats the churn in our minds are often those that cannot be seen. I am a Baby Loss Momma and now a NICU Momma. You never know when a moment will hit you and your mind begins to drown in these unseen hats.

My moment came today while getting onto the elevator. A woman seemed to have a very familiar face it didn’t hit me until after I returned to work that the woman I rode the elevator with was the same women who lead me through the birth of our son Jackson. I’ve not seen her since January. She was wonderful. She held our hands and coached us through his birth.

Ryan and Jackson have the same little nose and as Ryan’s cheeks fill in he reminds me a lot Jackson. My favorite picture of Jackson was taken by the nurses.  It is often the first face I see when I wake up and the last face I see when I fall asleep. I will cherish these pictures forever!

I collected my thoughts and returned to work to finish my day. On my way up to say goodnight to Ryan I saw that same familiar face a second time. I know she doesn’t remember me but I can just about remember most everything she said to me January 14, 2011.

It doesn’t take much with either of these hats to trigger a moment. I never dreamed I’d know what it would feel like to leave the hospital with empty arms nor did dream that I would battle that same feeling a second time leaving my precious son in the hands of the NICU team. I pray daily for those who know this feeling and those who will one day join us. It is so hard to leave Ryan. Many of those who we’ve met know the same loss that we’ve experienced and now feel the same hurt leaving their child and some children during their first days of life.

 I have to admit I shed tears as I left Ryan’s room this evening. I hate leaving him. I have to remind myself daily that I will return in the morning and met by the most beautiful smile!

I was able to give Ryan his first bath from his Mommy today. He had eye and neck gunkies when she turned his head and his nurse gave me the opportunity to clean him myself. He did so well. He must be learning mom WILL get the eye boogies! His nurse even commented that he seems to really love the time we spend together. He surprised me and settled down as I cleaned his face and neck. It doesn’t seem possible but I fall in love with him more and more every day! Now if we could just get him as excited about diaper changes!!!

Ryan is doing well. His feeds were increased to 13.5mls. He had some minor vent mode changes (which I have to be honest is a mode I don’t quite understand but know that it served him very well). He seems to calm fairly easy which scares me. For some reason I have the sneaking suspicion this is all an act and he will be much less easily soothed when he able to come to his home. Even if that is the case I’ll take it!

God is Good!!!