I’m starting to think having a little one in the NICU makes you Bipolar. On day you’re extremely happy everything goes well, you’re running ninety to nothing and getting absolutely everything you need to get accomplished. . Accomplished.
Then reality hits. Your little one hits a bump and brings on the depressed mood. You try to think positive, count your blessings, and be thankful for all the good but as the days go on it seems like the bad days seem to snowball on themselves.
Today was one of those days. I was looking so forward to holding Ryan again after several days. It started off great. He was wide eyed and enjoying ‘talking’ and looking around.
We found our ‘spot’ (mommy holding his passi while Ryan holds mommy’s hand) turned on Casting Crowns and was enjoying our time. . . . Until he became cranky.
We switched arms he calmed down for a bit then started the oxygen saturation drops. They upped his oxygen and it helped for a bit before he started having heart rate drops to accompany his pulse ox drop.
I know I’ve been in several situations when I’ve had to step in and suction/increase oxygen but there is something about seeing your baby being taken from your arms looking ashen because your nor the other 4 nurses in the room could get his heart rate to increase.
They suctioned him and after a LONG bit of time his pinkish color returned. I knew it was just because of secretions but it is still hard to see your second baby boy look as cold and ashen as your first.
We didn’t stay long after that. He was resting and needed to be let rest.
I still don’t have a clue why all this is happening or why we were chosen on this journey. I wouldn’t change anything because Ryan wouldn’t be here had we waited it out. I know that had we not lost Jackson we would have never had the joy to meet Ryan. I just don’t understand at times. All I ever wanted to do was help people and have a family. God has blessed me with a great job and a beautiful son and I know he will bring us through the darkest valley. Sometimes I just wish we were closer to the top of the mountain.
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| (I noticed this this morning and it made me smile. . . So reminencent of my Daddy) |
Ryan did have a few orders today. His oxygen flow was decreased to 1 ¾ of a liter. His percentage stayed fairly consistent at 30%. The doctor has added some vitamins, folic acid, and iron to his medications to help stimulate his bone marrow to keep up with his blood demands. He is still looking less pink but the doctors want to try medications before they give him another round of blood. Most likely the decrease in his blood count is the culpret causeing the oxygen problems.
He is still a growing boy. He gained 30grams last night and is now up to 1265. That is 2lbs and a little under 13oz. He must have been doing his stretches because he has grown an entire inch this week! He is now 14 Inches long!!
I’m so very thankful that God has given us Ryan. I never dreamed it would be this hard but I truly am thankful. I saw a church sign a few weeks ago that read something to the effect of when life knocks you on your knees. . . .Pray There. I’ve been trying to keep this in my mind I have to admit I’m not the best at all but He is the only way we are going to get through this time.
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