Raw

I don’t think I was completely prepared for the rush of raw emotions that came flooding back as we attended the SHARE memorial service this afternoon. It was much harder than I anticipated.

It was a very beautiful service. They read each of the Babies names born and lost over the last year. It struck me at the beginning of the service just how close I was to having two names read at this service.

I love how in life little things come up that remind me of our son Jackson. Dean pointed out to me that the little toy building block in front of the podium had a “J” on it. As we turned on the World Series they kept talking about a player named Jackson. It’s these little things that can put the biggest smiles on our faces and sometimes bring us to tears.

At the conclusion of the service we released 90 yellow balloons in honor of our little ones.

 

It had been rainy and overcast all day but the sun parted and our balloons flew directly to the gorgeous blue sky!

One of the singers looked strangely familiar. One of the precious singers tuned out to be the second nurse that was in the delivery room and helped deliver Jackson. She remembered us long before we realized who she was. This to me meant a great deal to me. I never dreamed that anyone up there would remember me or my precious little one and she remembered all of us.

We spent the rest of the night with Ryan.

I was able to change his cloths and get him ready for Daddy to hold him.

While Dean was holding Ryan he listened to his First Ever Baseball Game! Not just any game but his first World Series game! Ryan has attended a Cardinals game but this time he was able to ‘hear’ the game!

Ryan is still doing very well breathing and with his feeds. We received some clarification on his oxygen settings tonight. He is on 1.5 liters of “flow” and his oxygen percentage is between 25-30%.

He was again very awake and expressive tonight when we changed and dressed him. I LOVE how he smiles and makes faces at me. He wants to scrunch his face and cry but as I talk he changes his mind and smiles and coo’s.

I hate that we lost our first son but I wouldn’t trade Ryan for anything. The speaker reminded us today that it is ok to ask why. He also told us about David. I don’t guess I realized that David had lost a child at 7 Days old. Psalms 22 tells David’s raw emotions after he lost this child. The speaker also pointed out to us that had David not experienced the great loss we would never have Psalms 23.

Psalm 23

¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.²He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. ³He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. ⁴Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. ⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. ⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Our speaker reiterated that it was ok to ask the question why. He also impressed upon us that many of these questions may not be answered until we awake in Heaven. The part that I love about this Psalm is how he tells us that God is with us every step we take. He is with us during our highest of highs and he carries us through our lowest of lows. I know without this peace I wouldn’t have been able to handle the loss of our precious Jackson. At times I don’t feel like I’m handling Ryan’s stay in the NICU well but I know that the Lord has brought us to this place and he will see us through. He has made so many opportunities for us to share him and to help our neighbors that wouldn’t have been possible except that we were in the waiting room of the NICU.

Ryan is a miracle from heaven and the absolute product of prayer!

One day we will all reunite with Jackson and spend our eternity in our mansion made of gold. My favorite verse is in John.

John 14

¹Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.²In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. ³And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

God promises us an eternity safe with him in heaven as long as we believe in him and that his son gave his live on a cross for our sins. It is the simplest thing in life. All that is required is for one to ask him to forgive you of your sins and believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

 God will send the Holy Spirit as a comforter into your heart and you will be Saved. You too will have a more beautiful than words mansion and an eternity safe from the fire of Hell in Heaven.

Ryan's passie is a little too big for his mouth and he often pushes it

 out while he is trying to suck on it.

Tonight it took the two of  us helping him to keep his passie in his mouth.