Six Weeks!

Ryan is doing very well so well in fact the doctor wrote Zero orders! He is still tolerating his feeds well. His urine has leveled off but he is still averaging the needed 2ml/kg/hr.

He has been a much happier baby now that his tummy is full!

He has always had his hands close to his face from his first ultrasound. He has given in and is leaving his tube alone for the time being . . . as long as he can have his hand around his face.

He is a sneaky little thing! Lesha stopped by at lunchtime and while we were talking I looked down see Ryan Peeking through his fingers.

He already knows how to play opossum! As soon as we looked at him he closed his eyes!

I had my checkup with my OB this afternoon. I’m healing nicely and no longer have to take Lovenox! This was as far as the good news reached however. My OB is normally a glass half full positive personality. So you can understand how difficult it was to hear her say the words that it would be ill advised to attempt another pregnancy. With my thrombophilia science says that Lovenox should have ‘fixed’ whatever had gone wrong with Jackson. We learned that there was nothing abnormal in any of the cultures/pathology from delivery.  

I knew once I was told Ryan would be delivered the 24^th that my chances of every having another pregnancy was slim. I can’t lie and say that I didn’t hope to hear that something came back that would explain what had happened. Even though I pretty much knew what her recommendation would be it is still extremely hard to hear. It affected me much stronger/worse than I expected.

For now we are left with more questions than answers. I apparently have no problem with fertility instead my problem is carrying a pregnancy past mid-second trimester. This wouldn’t be a problem except that there is no guarantee at what point I would carry to. Meaning the change of putting ourselves and family through another stillbirth is greater than any of us can stand to experience.

It hurts knowing that unless research discovers a way for me to safely carry a pregnancy to term that I will not be able to have a ‘joyful’ pregnancy.  I read a quote recently that stated the loss of a child steals the joy from pregnancy. I completely understand this quote. There are many ‘joys’ that I will never experience. I can only imagine what a foot in the ribs would feel or imagine Dean’s face feeling our child kick from outside my stomach.

I pray and thank God daily for allowing Ryan to survive delivery and thrive in the NICU. I know it is only through his grace that I was able to carry Ryan and him grow as long as he did. He is definitely our little miracle! This last year has shown us just how precious life and family is. It is so easy to take things for granted and just as easy to watch it all slip away. When this occurs, the only thing that is left is our faith. It has been at times the only steady thing that has held us together.

I just pray that God will allow me to continue to ‘keep’ Ryan.